While I appreciate the bottle of truth serum my toddler seems to over dose on each day, sometimes I wish he knew how to put down the bottle and step away. As someone who gets easily embarrassed in public, having a toddler is pure torture. I’ve definitely toughened up over the past two years, but still struggle to find explanations when he spews out the most inappropriate sh*t (excuse my language) at the most inappropriate times.

Why can’t they have an off switch? Or understand that when I look at them with wide eyes and am turning beet red, that’s code for: shut your mouth immediately.

In hindsight, all of these mishaps are actually quite hilarious – just not so much as they’re happening. On the bright side, at least they make for some good story telling.

Here are all the recent things my toddler said / did to embarrass the hell out of me in public over the past week. Enjoy.

• At a recent dinner party while everyone was enjoying pasta and meatballs, my toddler exits the bathroom, goes up to the host who is sitting at the dinner table and exclaims, “Hey, I just pooped in your potty!” Awesome.

• Same dinner party: I exited the room to nurse my baby and my toddler said, “Everyone be quiet brother has to eat mommy’s boobies!”

• Same dinner party: My toddler turned into a wet noodle and slide out of his seat onto the floor because the host poured sauce on his pasta. Apparently that warranted a super dramatic response.

• We attended a “Meet the Teacher” event at my toddler’s new school and another mom commented on how cute his shoes were. He looked at her and told her they were broken because a charm fell off. Next, without realizing the connection he said, “They were made in China.” I knew he said that because a few minutes earlier he asked me what the bottom of the shoe said – not because he thinks all items made in China fall apart. The mom just looked at me and rather than launching into a ten-minute explanation – I just let her judge me. Whatever.

• Last week our water heater broke so I had to boil water to give my kids a bath. I kept telling my son we had to do that so he didn’t have a stinky booty. My mistake! The next morning at school he walked into class and told his teacher, “My mommy made water so I won’t have a stinky booty.” Again, no time for explanations. It is what it is.

• My son has a newfound admiration for the word Not sure why. Whenever my son asks where he came from I tell him, “Momma’s belly.” I not even going there until he’s older. Recently while at Starbucks he told someone he was from Chicago. Then the person repeated, “Oh is that where you’re from.” My son’s reply, “No I came from mommy’s poopie.” Insert look of horror. Um, I assure you kid – you did not come from there.

• Lastly, he told a stranger at the park that they were drinking poison because they had a soda in their hand. Yes, I may have said that in the grocery store one time because I didn’t want him drinking soda. However, I never thought that he would go up to random people and repeat what I said! Lesson learned.

While I agree that honesty is a virtue and something we should instill in our children at a young age, but come on, can’t I catch a break? My next plan of action is just to send him out in public with his father more often – or at least until he develops a filter.