WARNING:

First time mom-to-be’s or those trying to get pregnant: DO NOT READ!  I don’t want to scare you. You’re welcome.

I am feeling a little betrayed these days because I tricked myself into having another baby.  First let me point out: I am obsessed with babies, it’s somewhat of a problem. I think they’re amazing and I would have ten if I were younger – and rich. What I am not obsessed with is baking them or pushing them out of my lady parts.

Following my last baby, I told my husband he would have to drug me to knock me up again. I hated every minute of pregnancy and when people told me I would miss it once it was over; I would violently laugh while portraying the world’s most disingenuous smile. Noticing my distain they would often follow up with,”Trust me. God made us so we would forget the pain or we definitely wouldn’t do it again.”  I would listen nicely but ultimately tucked the information away in my I’ll  believe it when I see it section of my brain.

About a year after my son was born, those words of wisdom started to see some truth. I would see a pregnant woman and reminisce about feeling the baby move and the anticipation of meeting them.  When I saw a newborn I certainly urned for one, not remembering the slightest bit of torture I experienced during the birth of my own. By year two, I was begging my husband to give me a baby and tracking my ovulation cycle diligently on my iPhone. Once we became pregnant, all I could remember was the moment I saw my son the first time and the joy he has brought me every day since then.  I felt truly blessed to get to experience it all…again.

I still feel blessed and can hardly wait to hold my baby; however, all those painful, disgusting, annoying memories about giving birth have come back to me….with a vengeance.  I am officially terrified! I had what most would consider a very by-the-book delivery, yet lately I can only remember all the awful things I had to endure. I am starting to have nightmares conjuring up every what-if story my brain can process, and trust me when I say even Stephen King would be proud.

I further torture myself by reading every headline I see about dramatic births.  I remember doing this to myself right before I gave birth last time but when my water finally broke a calm came over me.  It wasn’t until that moment I knew I could do it.  I know I can do it again, it is just the what-if’s that are sending me into a downward spiral. What if I go into labor and my husband can’t get there in time?  What if I have the baby in the car or a taxi?  What if labor goes too fast and I can’t get an epidural?  What if he comes early? What if my vagina breaks? What if he is an alien?  You name it, I have thought about it.

WTF is my problem? Am I a masochist?  Why am I doing this to myself?  Why am I remembering this now when I don’t have a choice in the matter?  News Flash Holly: This baby is coming with or without your participation. I decided to make a list of the all the things I hated about labor that have kept me up at night.  I hope by sharing them it will help me come to terms with the inevitable and render any support from you.  It is okay if you call me a psycho, I will not be offended.

Things I hate about having a baby:

• The IV:  I HATE IV’s.  The one they use during labor is a larger gauge in case you need an emergency blood transfusion. Awesome.  Plus, during labor you sweat like a whore in church and the tape keeps coming off leaving the IV to wiggle around.  This gives me the creeps. You already have a ton of wires connected to you and people are always bumping them.  This was the only time I yelled at my husband.  I told him if he touched or tripped over my wires again, I was divorcing him. I was serious.

• Contractions:  My contractions coupled.  This means they would spike, only to come down half way before spiking again.  This happened two or three times before they would go away completely.  You can feel them coming on like a freight train and there is nothing you can do about it – not good for control freaks. Contractions literally feel like someone is crushing your pelvis. No matter your tolerance of pain, these suck.. bad.

• Epidural: The epidural is amazing however the thought of it going into my spine freaks me out.

• Catheter:  After the epidural you have to get a catheter.  No explanation needed, it just sucks.

• Birth: It’s humiliating.  Luckily it is overshadowed by the joy of your baby – so this I can live with again.

• Epidural tape: This tape holds the epidural in place and covers your ENTIRE back.  They also spray on an adhesive to help it stick even more.  Taking it off is a b*tch!  Imagine the world’s largest band aid with super power stickiness.

• Bleeding:  You bleed… a lot. After raiding the hospital supply of underwear and cleaning myself up the nurse would inevitably come in, put all her weight on my stomach, and pull a WWE move to release any blood. This is disgusting and it hurts.

• The hospital team:  They are amazing, but they deal with chicks like you every day.  I can only imagine how many times they are asked, “Does it hurt?”  I felt bad whining or complaining because I wanted them to like me and give me more attention. My plan worked but I had to act like a rockstar, when in reality I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.

This is all I can think of right now. For the record and as all of you as my witness:  This is the LAST time I am doing this. Baby maker is officially retiring.

Your crazy friend,

Holly