If you’re a parent of a toddler you’ve already realized they come without a filter and essentially will say anything and everything unapologetically. As someone who gets embarrassed easily, I’ll admit that this filter-less jargon often sends me over the edge. I tend to turn bright red and run for the hills, or go into a ten-minute explanation about how my kids normally don’t behave like this. I’ve even gone as far as saying that I was the nanny. Just kidding, but I’ve thought about saying it on more than one occasion.

Toddlers also have an innate ability to know when to make a lot of noise at the most inopportune times. When my son was first born I welcomed every milestone with enthusiasm. My heart would fill with joy with each coo, babble or giggle. However now that he has found his voice, I find myself missing those infant days where he just quietly slept and I would gaze at him adoringly from across the room. Now everything he says has to be amplified by five decibels for some reason. I’m never further than a few feet away; I can hear you kid – perfectly. Stop with all the yelling!

I, for one, would love if there were a mute button for toddlers. I don’t need silence all the time, but here are ten times in which a mute button would be nothing short of amazing:

1. In the car. I love when my son sings his favorite songs except when I’m in rush hour traffic trying to maneuver between all the cabs, bikers, and maniacs on the road. The last thing I need to hear in the middle of this mayhem is a very loud rendition of “EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!”

2. On the phone. Kids have radar, which notifies them as soon as you get on the phone. It doesn’t matter if they were perfectly content building their Lego tower or watching their favorite cartoon, because as soon as you get on the phone they need you right that second. If you do not give them your immediate attention – colossal breakdown.

3. In church. Every time the father says, “Let us pray,” my kid picks up his invisible microphone and yells out his toddler thoughts. Never fails.

4. When speaking to another adult. Anytime you try to have a conversation, interruptions immediately ensue. At least my kid says, “Excuse me,” but he says it over and over and over again.

5. On Saturday mornings. Why during the week do you have to drag your kids out of bed kicking and screaming, yet every Saturday morning they are up before the rooster’s crow? Something tells me I’ll be happy when they are teens and sleeping in until noon!

6. When telling a white lie. Like when I tell my other mom friends we don’t watch too much TV and my son interrupts and says we watch it all the time. Busted. It’s winter and I’m out of entertainment ideas – no judging! I thought we were on the same team, kid?

7. When trying to watch TV. As soon as you sit down to watch your shows when the kids are in bed, and they suddenly now need more water, have to potty, etc., basically until your hour is up and it’s your bedtime too. So much for that brain-wasting hour of Bravo TV.

8. When taking them along to OB appointments. This last pregnancy I had to take my 3 year-old with me to all my appointments, and he always tried to check out my lady parts and asked the doctor a million questions like “Where’s her pee-pee?” Mute button now, please.

9. When they repeat things you didn’t mean to say in front of them. Like when I slammed my finger in a drawer and yelled out a profanity, which then snuck into his vocabulary at school. I’m sure his teachers think I’m the mom of the year.

10. When you’re on the potty. “Momma are you going poo-poo?” “I want to see!” “Did it hurt?” Can’t I just go to the bathroom without getting interrogated? Not so much.

How much easier would our lives be if these little people didn’t have a permanent megaphone attached to their mouths, or if they knew when they were being wildly inappropriate? I guess until that day comes, I’ll just have to pack on the bronzer to mask my flushed neck and face when my kids embarrasses the crap out of me.

While I appreciate the bottle of truth serum my toddler seems to over dose on each day, sometimes I wish he knew how to put down the bottle and step away. As someone who gets easily embarrassed in public, having a toddler is pure torture. I’ve definitely toughened up over the past two years, but still struggle to find explanations when he spews out the most inappropriate sh*t (excuse my language) at the most inappropriate times.

Why can’t they have an off switch? Or understand that when I look at them with wide eyes and am turning beet red, that’s code for: shut your mouth immediately.

In hindsight, all of these mishaps are actually quite hilarious – just not so much as they’re happening. On the bright side, at least they make for some good story telling.

Here are all the recent things my toddler said / did to embarrass the hell out of me in public over the past week. Enjoy.

• At a recent dinner party while everyone was enjoying pasta and meatballs, my toddler exits the bathroom, goes up to the host who is sitting at the dinner table and exclaims, “Hey, I just pooped in your potty!” Awesome.

• Same dinner party: I exited the room to nurse my baby and my toddler said, “Everyone be quiet brother has to eat mommy’s boobies!”

• Same dinner party: My toddler turned into a wet noodle and slide out of his seat onto the floor because the host poured sauce on his pasta. Apparently that warranted a super dramatic response.

• We attended a “Meet the Teacher” event at my toddler’s new school and another mom commented on how cute his shoes were. He looked at her and told her they were broken because a charm fell off. Next, without realizing the connection he said, “They were made in China.” I knew he said that because a few minutes earlier he asked me what the bottom of the shoe said – not because he thinks all items made in China fall apart. The mom just looked at me and rather than launching into a ten-minute explanation – I just let her judge me. Whatever.

• Last week our water heater broke so I had to boil water to give my kids a bath. I kept telling my son we had to do that so he didn’t have a stinky booty. My mistake! The next morning at school he walked into class and told his teacher, “My mommy made water so I won’t have a stinky booty.” Again, no time for explanations. It is what it is.

• My son has a newfound admiration for the word Not sure why. Whenever my son asks where he came from I tell him, “Momma’s belly.” I not even going there until he’s older. Recently while at Starbucks he told someone he was from Chicago. Then the person repeated, “Oh is that where you’re from.” My son’s reply, “No I came from mommy’s poopie.” Insert look of horror. Um, I assure you kid – you did not come from there.

• Lastly, he told a stranger at the park that they were drinking poison because they had a soda in their hand. Yes, I may have said that in the grocery store one time because I didn’t want him drinking soda. However, I never thought that he would go up to random people and repeat what I said! Lesson learned.

While I agree that honesty is a virtue and something we should instill in our children at a young age, but come on, can’t I catch a break? My next plan of action is just to send him out in public with his father more often – or at least until he develops a filter.

 

Becoming a parent is one of the most rewarding experiences life can offer. As a mom each day is an new adventure; some are filled with laughter, some are filled with chaos, but most are filled with both. The majority of the chaos stems from daily tasks that come along with the job of being a parent. These tasks test our patience, drive us crazy, and make the simplest action feel like you’re trying to figure out an algorithm without any mathematical training.

These obligations I could definitely do without and after surveying dozens of parents; apparently I’m not alone. Here are some tasks that parents say they would be happy to never have to do again:

• Washing Bottles– What’s with all the parts? And those brushes that spray you in the face when you pull them from inside the bottle? I will never take my dishwasher for granted again.  This was the number one complaint of most parents.

• Changing Diapers – Changing diapers sucks at all stages. Period.

• Putting Their Shoes On.  How are you supposed to fit marshmallow man feet into those tiny shoes?  I use the twist and shove method.

• Cutting Finger / Toe Nails – With paper thin nails and ninja reflexes, cutting their nails can be terrifying.

• Dressing Them –  Once again, having to shove body parts into tiny pieces of clothing isn’t fun.

• Feeding Them – Food ends up everywhere else but their mouth.

• Bath Time – One question: Is bath time more for them or for you because I always end up soaked as well.

• Putting Them In Car Seats – Between planking, screaming and wiggling, sometimes I’d just rather stay home.

• Cleaning Baby Gear – How does a baby manage to fill every square inch of their high chair with something disgusting.

• Cleaning a Baby’s Neck – You never know what’s lurking in those fat rolls. Beware.

• Giving Medicine via Syringes – At least half of the liquid drips down their face and becomes a sticky hot mess.

• Doing Laundry – Every day. 24 /7.

• Leaving The House – Might as well pack a suitcase with all the stuff you need to take and don’t plan on being on time. Ever. But you know what sucks worse? Leaving the house in winter.

• Bedtime Routines – Bath, jammies, water, pee, story, water, pee, water, another story, more water, sleep.

• Cutting Food Into a Thousand Pieces – Most pieces end up on the floor, in your dog’s stomach, or wedged into a crevice in the high chair.

• Doctors Appointments – Their fever or symptoms seemed to miraculously disappear once you arrived, or your kid has to get shots and hates you the rest of the day.

• Helping With Homework – This only tends to make me feel stupid.

• Brushing Teeth – They usually swallow the toothpaste before a single tooth gets brushed.

• Wiping Their Nose – The snot usually ends up all over their face.

• Teaching Them To Aim – This applies to boys. Constantly wiping urine up off the floor, wall, and toilet seat is not my idea of a good time.

One or two of these tasks would be manageable, however all of these are usually a daily occurrence for most parents. At the end of each day when the kids are finally asleep, give yourself a pat on the back because you, my friend, made it through another day. Kudos.

Now that I’m a mom of two boys, I’m slowly starting to realize how gross they really are. In fact, I feel like I’m re-living my college days when I was in a relationship with a fraternity boy.  Even though there are not any Greek letters hoisted above my front door; the smells and mess you encounter when you enter – will definitely have you questioning whether or not an entire fraternity lives here.  Hopefully one day, I’ll have my own private bathroom and space that will be off-limits to those grimy little minions – or at least have a live in housekeeper as soon as I win the lotto.

Until then, here are 10 reasons why living with a toddler (son) is like living in a frat house:

• They Are Proud Of Their Bowel Movements. Every time my son goes to the bathroom he has to show me. “Momma, look what I did – Ta Da!” You know you’re a mom when you actually go look and then react by giving a high-five.

• They Have Sub-Par Hygiene.   I have to threaten my son to brush his teeth.  I usually tell him his teeth are going to fall out if he doesn’t brush them.  Mean, I know, but I can’t stand his rotten carcass breath.  He wipes snot on his arms, his feet smell, and I’ll spare you the details and not discuss his butt-wiping capabilities.

• They Have Poor Aim. Pee is everywhere.  Riddle me this – how hard is it to pee into a giant hole when you’re standing less than an inch away from the toilet? Why is this concept so difficult for men / boys?

• They Pass Gas Anytime – Anywhere. Usually any breaking wind is accompanied by giggles so I don’t mind this as much. If you’re a grown man –then it’s not cute.

• They Like To Touch Themselves.  Even my eight month old immediately reaches for his boy parts the second his diaper comes off. Just last week, my toddler pulled his pants down to show my mother-in-law his privates.  Men and their pride – I guess it starts at birth.

• They Pull All-Nighters.  My son is going through a growth spurt and he’s a night owl, which means sleepless nights for me too.  Even if he goes to bed late he’s up by 6 am. I can’t wait until he’s a teenager and sleeps around the clock.

• Their Rooms Are Trashed. I clean my boys’ room  at least four times a day and it still looks like a tornado ravished it. To find a pair of socks my son insists on pulling every piece of clothing out first and then proceeds to throw everything on the floor.

• They Sneak In Your Bed. Always when you’re not looking too.  Every night my son goes to sleep in his bed, yet every morning I wake up and he’s in mine. Secretly I love this because one day he won’t want to cuddle with me, and I’m not ready for that just yet.

• They Are Vomit Comets.  Toddlers are projectile vomit machines – in case you didn’t know. It usually happens when you’re wearing a nice outfit and it comes out of nowhere.

• They Have No Filter. Leave it to your kid to embarrass you every chance they get. Offensive language is just part of their daily lives. Honesty is a virtue, but when you have a toddler – it’s a curse.

While I try teaching my son to mind his P’s and Q’s now, I’m hoping, as he gets older his manners will be more prominent in our daily lives. But first things first – we need to focus on his aim.

 

 

Dear Grocers,

Please eliminate the grocery carts with the attached dilapidated cars immediately.  Reasons to support my plea are as follows:

• First and foremost, they are DI-SGUS-TING. When was the last time they were cleaned? NEVER?  I need medical latex gloves just to put my kid in there, all-the-while cringing at the thought of him touching the steering wheel. They are complete rubbish and make me want to vomit.

•  There are never enough in circulation for as many kids as there are in the store.  If we pass one of the lucky few that snag one, my kid gets jealous and turns into a monster. Then he hates me.  Do you like making kids hate their parents?
• They are impossible to turn.  I have to do an 8- point Austin Powers turn just to get to the next aisle. Then I get sympathy/ idiot looks from all the jerks without kids, or the ones that were smart enough to leave them at home.

• I have a huge husband and a son. They eat a lot.  How in the hell am I supposed to fit all my groceries in the cart when it is a fraction of the size of a normal cart.  My groceries always pile up, and I then look like a pig.  Thanks for promoting my self- esteem.
• The kids never want to stay in there the whole time! They end up throwing their limbs out only to get smashed into the aisle shelves.  So much for ‘safety’!             
•  They are heavy.  For someone small like me it is very difficult to push this P.O.S with a stock pile of food, and a 30 lb kid.

In conclusion, they ruin my life. If you insist on having these stupid cars, please CLEAN them.  AND while you are at it, make them look like an Audi or a Benz, not a beat- down Flintstones lemon.

Sincerely,

Holly & Kari

The day has arrived. My baby no longer needs his momma to wipe his booty.  I have to admit with every new milestone comes joy and sorrow.  Joy that I no longer have to buy diapers, but sorrow this is one more thing he will not need me for anymore.

My big boy is officially a certified pee-pee in the potty expert. Operation Potty worked!  I have heard of people potty training as early as 15 months.  Maybe I am just a hippy at heart, but I wanted my son to do it when he was ready, or when we were broke from buying diapers, which ever came first.  Luckily he was ready.

When you are a working mom, you need everyone in your child’s life involved in his or her growth.  We enlisted his teachers at school to ask him every hour if he had to go potty.  When he did use the potty the whole class would cheer as he made his exit.  Attention wh*re, wonder where he gets that? His teacher says he is only one of two that currently uses the potty, so that made me proud.  Also, she said he is the popular kid because he is always playing and sharing with everyone.  Sorry- had to throw that one in too. (Attention Wh*ore).

At home, he wore a potty watch.  The watch is shaped like a potty and you set a timer that goes off every hour.  When it went off, S would get very excited and announce it was potty time.  Once he finished, he wanted us to go look at it before he flushed, then would say, “Bye-bye poo-poo!” Husband and I would dance around in a way that we would be embarrassed if it wasn’t just us.

The final tool in Operation Potty was going to Target and letting him pick out big boy underwear.  He, of course, chose Batman.   Once we got home he pranced around in his new undies and declared himself a big boy.  There you have it.  It truly is the little things in life that make you happy.