While I appreciate the bottle of truth serum my toddler seems to over dose on each day, sometimes I wish he knew how to put down the bottle and step away. As someone who gets easily embarrassed in public, having a toddler is pure torture. I’ve definitely toughened up over the past two years, but still struggle to find explanations when he spews out the most inappropriate sh*t (excuse my language) at the most inappropriate times.
Why can’t they have an off switch? Or understand that when I look at them with wide eyes and am turning beet red, that’s code for: shut your mouth immediately.
In hindsight, all of these mishaps are actually quite hilarious – just not so much as they’re happening. On the bright side, at least they make for some good story telling.
Here are all the recent things my toddler said / did to embarrass the hell out of me in public over the past week. Enjoy.
- At a recent dinner party while everyone was enjoying pasta and meatballs, my toddler exits the bathroom, goes up to the host who is sitting at the dinner table and exclaims, “Hey, I just pooped in your potty!” Awesome.
- Same dinner party: I exited the room to nurse my baby and my toddler said, “Everyone be quiet brother has to eat mommy’s boobies!”
- Same dinner party: My toddler turned into a wet noodle and slide out of his seat onto the floor because the host poured sauce on his pasta. Apparently that warranted a super dramatic response.
- We attended a “Meet the Teacher” event at my toddler’s new school and another mom commented on how cute his shoes were. He looked at her and told her they were broken because a charm fell off. Next, without realizing the connection he said, “They were made in China.” I knew he said that because a few minutes earlier he asked me what the bottom of the shoe said – not because he thinks all items made in China fall apart. The mom just looked at me and rather than launching into a ten-minute explanation – I just let her judge me. Whatever.
- Last week our water heater broke so I had to boil water to give my kids a bath. I kept telling my son we had to do that so he didn’t have a stinky booty. My mistake! The next morning at school he walked into class and told his teacher, “My mommy made water so I won’t have a stinky booty.” Again, no time for explanations. It is what it is.
- My son has a newfound admiration for the word Not sure why. Whenever my son asks where he came from I tell him, “Momma’s belly.” I not even going there until he’s older. Recently while at Starbucks he told someone he was from Chicago. Then the person repeated, “Oh is that where you’re from.” My son’s reply, “No I came from mommy’s poopie.” Insert look of horror. Um, I assure you kid – you did not come from there.
- Lastly, he told a stranger at the park that they were drinking poison because they had a soda in their hand. Yes, I may have said that in the grocery store one time because I didn’t want him drinking soda. However, I never thought that he would go up to random people and repeat what I said! Lesson learned.
While I agree that honesty is a virtue and something we should instill in our children at a young age, but come on, can’t I catch a break? My next plan of action is just to send him out in public with his father more often – or at least until he develops a filter.
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My daughter was 2 1/2 when my son was born. On our very first outing, just her and I, since the birth of my son I took her to Kmart. I was looking for some clearance valances for our guest room. As we walked down the clearance aisle, which was packed and difficult to navigate with a shopping cart, my daughter pipes up in her very loud 2 1/2 year old voice “Mommy, when I was a baby, did I eat your boobie like Levi does?” All I heard was dead silence from the probably 15 women in the aisle. Then I heard muffled chuckles. Clearly these ladies had been where I currently was at one time in their lives! With great pride and a flaming hot face, I responded “Yes honey, when you were a baby I nursed you too just like I do for your baby brother. It is very good for both of us.” I finished my shopping with my head held high and left the store. Good luck waiting for that filter on your child’s mouth. I’m not sure if it’ll ever happen!!
Love! Thanks Amy for sharing! I’m not holding my breath for any filters any time soon 🙂
My favorite has always been to look at the child and say ‘little boy/girl where is your mother? They don’t always think fast at that age. Mothers around you will allow you to maintan some shred of dignity. As for his melt down ovesasau e?
I have an uncle who had a tracheostomy years ago due to complications from smoking, and now has the hole in his throat which affects his speech and breathing. To avoid the embarrassing situation I feared when going to a family party, I tried to explain. First i just told her that he had gotten sick, but then she was worried that her cold would leave her with a hole. So i explained that he had smoked too many “yuckies” and it made him sad to talk about his throat so we don’t say anything about it. I thought, hey, why not turn this into a lesson in compassion AND an anti-smoking campaign, since Daddy smokes and surely it’s never too early to discourage the habit, right? The family party went smoothly..but then we were behind a gentleman in line at the gas station, and he purchased smokes. In a toddler stage whisper, my daughter turns to me and says “Mommy! That man should stop smoking cig-retts, ’cause he’s gonna get a hole in this throat! Tell him those are guh-stusting!”
Cue a dirty look…
Love! You can’t win for losing right!? Thanks for sharing!